B is for Balance

When we feel balanced, we feel calm, grounded, and clearheaded. But I think it's safe to say that it's challenging to feel in balanced when there are so many important domains in our lives.

Achieving balance in your life is less about the quantity of time spent but rather the quality of the time.

And if you want to learn more about how to live a "balanced" life, I highly recommend Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman.

The essential premise of Four Thousand Weeks is that an average person lives for only four thousand weeks. All of human history has taken approximately 310,000 weeks. We are but a blip, and knowing this, Burkeman asks the reader, how will you get everything done?

You don’t. Plain and simple.

The key, Burkeman states, is not eschewing stuff you don’t want to do in favor of what you do want to do but choosing what matters most at that moment ... from among all the things you do want to do.

In the latest aliquot & experiments, we examine the forces that motivate us. You can bolster your internal motivation by creating a "DONE" list; taking action within 5 seconds; using WOOP to create a plan; and surrounding yourself with supportive messages and music.

Resources

You can learn more about motivation by reading Steve Magness’ book Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness. New York; HarperOne, 2022.

Quote to Contemplate

Research has shown that of all forms of human motivation the most effective one is progress. Why? Because a small, concrete win creates momentum and affirms our faith in our further success.

-Greg McKeown, author of Essentialism: The Discplined Pursuit of Less

When was the last time you experienced a moment of awe? Wonder isn’t hard to find — you just need to allow your heart to fill with amazement. The world is full of magical experiences patiently waiting for you to discover.

Watch the Video and leave a comment about a recent awe experience for you.

Be sure to check out this delightful book by Aimee Nezhukumatathil (University of Mississippi Professor of English) about the natural wonders in our world that we often overlook:

Nezhukumatathil A. World of Wonders: In praise of fireflies, whale sharks, and other astonishment. Minneapolis, MN; Milkweed Editions, 2020.

In this tutorial, we explain how to become more self-compassionate and how it can help boost performance. We don't need to be harsh on ourselves when we fail or don't live up to our own high expectations. Be gentle and kind to yourself.

Transcript

Seena L Haines: Hey there it's Seena

Stuart T Haines: and I'm Stuart.

Seena L Haines: Welcome to the Wellbeing Elixir.

Stuart T Haines: In today's Aliquot & Experiment, we're gonna be talking about self-compassion.

Seena L Haines: You may be wondering, so what's an aliquot? An aliquot is something taken from a larger hole. It's a small sample.

Stuart T Haines: And we have an experiment that you can try at home.

Seena L Haines: One of the ingredients to living a vibrant and happy life is to be a good friend to yourself. Many of us, particularly those who are high achievers, people who constantly strive to be the best, personally and professionally, can be really hard on themselves. If things don't turn out just as we hoped. We don't live up to our own high expectations. Let some people down.

We often talk to ourselves in very hurtful ways.

Stuart T Haines: Now it's not uncommon for people to believe that we need to be hard on ourselves, that if we fail or mess up, we shouldn't be condoning or accepting these disappointments. We need to be a harsh judge in our heads, to set us straight, to motivate us, to get us back on track. We just can't let ourselves off the hook.

Seena L Haines: But research tells us that harmful self-talk and self-bullying do not lead to better performance. In fact, the opposite is true. It often leads to self-blame, diminishes our self-confidence, and is associated with depression and other mental health concerns. So, instead of being a harsh judge, we need to be more self-compassionate.

Stuart T Haines: Now, according to Kristen Neff, who is considered among the leading researchers in this field, self-compassion can be enhanced through kindness in self-talk, by recognizing our common humanity, and by observing our emotions in a non-judgmental way.

Seena L Haines: To cultivate kinder self-talk. Try to be your own best friend. What would you say to a friend who made a mistake? Maybe they didn't get the job they were hoping for, but they recently failed an exam. I'm sure you wouldn't use hurtful words or make a statement like:

"You're such a loser."

But sadly, that's what many of us do to ourselves with our own harsh self-talk. Instead, be gentle, softer. Recognize that the experience of failing is painful, and instead of getting angry with yourself, use a soothing, reassuring tone.

Stuart T Haines: Now, one of the things that helps me be more kind to myself is to recognize that we all have failings and shortcomings. We all are imperfect. And we all suffer losses. Whatever struggles I might be experiencing, well, they're not new in this world. It's not something that's happening to me alone. To fail, to struggle, to mess up. That's a universal human experience.

Seena L Haines: And lastly, we could learn to be more self-compassionate by being more aware of our thoughts and emotions. This is where mindfulness can be so helpful. Instead of labeling yourself as a:

"loser",

or "I'm no good",

or "I am a bad person."

We can learn to step into being more of an observer, to see the situation for what it truly is, with more openness and clarity, and to acknowledge our negative thoughts without exaggeration or suppression.

Our goal is to adopt a receptive state of mind, recognizing when negative thoughts emerge. And simply observing them in a nonjudgmental manner.

Stuart T Haines: So how can we strengthen our ability to be self-compassionate? Well, here are a few things you can experiment with to grow self-kindness when you're under pressure in everyday situations.

Seena L Haines: First, try to imagine a time when a close friend admitted to you that they were struggling in some way. Think about how you responded — what you said and the tone of your voice. Now, visualize talking to yourself with the same kindness when you're struggling.

Stuart T Haines: Second, remind yourself that everyone struggles. That everyone messes up. This is a universal experience. You're not condoning anything. And you're not being complacent. Gently challenge yourself to do better.

Seena L Haines: And you can try to find the silver lining by asking yourself: What is the important lesson you are learning in this situation? How can you learn and grow from the experience? Use these feelings of disappointment to respond in a constructive way.

Stuart T Haines: Self-compassion is learning how to talk to yourself in positive ways when you fail. It's not about giving up or giving yourself permission to behave the same way in the future. It's about being warm and supportive so that you can become a better person.

Seena L Haines: And finally, one way to become more compassionate to yourself and others is to engage in a loving-kindness meditation. You can check out our guided meditations on our website, which includes a loving-kindness meditation. Remember, building your mindfulness muscle can help you become more aware of your thoughts; to simply observe them, and let them go.

Stuart T Haines: Aliquots and Experiments is produced by yours truly, Stuart Haines.

Seena L Haines: Seena Haines. You can find more resources, yoga, and reflective essays on our website the Wellbeing Elixir. As well as the Yoga Apothecary YouTube channel.

Stuart T Haines: And if you're not already a member, please sign up at wellbeingelixir.org and join our community of practice, where we explore the ingredients for a vibrant, happy life.

Seena L Haines: And if you found today's episode helpful, please be sure to rate us, leave a comment, and pass it along to a friend. Namaste.

Stuart T Haines: Namaste.

Resources

If you'd like to learn more about self-compassion and how to be more kind to yourself, check out this book:

Neff K. Self-Compassion. The proven power of being kind to yourself. Stop beating yourself up and leave insecurity behind. Harper Collins: New York, 2011.

Quote to Contemplate

People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, Swiss-American psychiatrist, a pioneer in near-death studies, and author of On Death and Dying

Have you ever watched those delightful videos where animals are playing on YouTube or Instagram? For me, it leads to belly laughter and a happiness boost that has a residual impact for hours. Animals instinctively play. It is natural for human children too. 

When you were a child, what were your favorite ways to play? When was the last time you just let loose and had fun engaging in an activity that was not “productive”? Just having fun for fun’s sake? Something happens in the transition from our teenage years to adulthood. We begin to think play is frivolous. Pointless. A waste of time.

Play is not frivolous. It is not a luxury. It is not something to fit in after completing all the important stuff. Play is the important stuff. Play is a drive, a need, a brain building must do! -Jeff Johnson and Denita Dinger, Let Them Play

Play is like a brain fertilizer. It helps activate certain key proteins involved with integrating information. Beneath the attitude of learning is the attitude of play. I don’t know about you, but during this pandemic, between my health concerns for myself and others as well as the need to isolate and socially distance, my sense of play has definitely diminished.

It was during my training to become a mindfulness teacher that I was reminded about the power of play in our personal lives and at work. Play creates a mindfulness state that enables us to block out other thoughts and to focus on the activity at hand. Play is often a moment-by-moment experience where we beam with vibrant energy.

Neuroscience and Play

Humans are born with seven emotional processing systems, and play is hardwired in the midbrain. Thus, play is among our most basic instincts and motivations. Peter Gray, a professor of psychology at Boston College, shared during his TED talk that, play is nature’s way of ensuring we acquire the skills needed to successfully develop into adults. A life deprived of play leads to maladaptive behaviors and the inability to engage in social interactions without fear.

In play, we engage in a pleasurable activity rather than focusing on the outcome. And play nearly always involves social interaction. It's self-controlled and self-directed by the participants. Play helps us be more curious about obstacles and hindrances, experiment and learn, and take problems in stride. Play allows us to see things with fresh eyes and to connect with others.

The creation of something new is not accomplished by the intellect, but by the play instinct.
- Carl Jung, Psychoanalyst

Research has found that play can be a great stress reliever, thwart depression, lower the risk of age-related diseases, boost lung function, and lower the risk of cardiovascular disease. Play activates the vagus nerve, a cranial nerve that connects the brain to the peripheral nervous system and quiets the sympathetic nervous system (reducing adrenaline and cortisol release).

How Play Effects the Brain

Dr. René Proyer from the Martin Luther University Halle-Wittenberg in Germany has been studying play for decades. His team has identified four models of playfulness: other-directed, lighthearted, intellectual, and whimsical. Other-directed play is when you enjoy playing with other people. If you like lighthearted play, you probably don’t take life too seriously, and you like to improvise. Intellectual players like ideas and thoughts, like wordplay and problem-solving. And whimsical players like doing odd, unusual, and creative things.

And the kinds of play you most enjoy seem to be linked to your play personality. Dr. Stuart Brown has identified eight play personalities which are described on the National Institute of Play website. He believes individuals fit naturally into a few play personalities with a prominent preference or favorite form of play. I am definitely the Kinesthete and the Creator/Artist. I suspect Stuart is a Storyteller and Explorer.

Recapturing Play

Perhaps you are interested in carving out more time for play in your life and are looking for some ideas of what might suit you best. “Play is a basic human need as essential to our well-being as sleep, so when we’re low on play, our minds and bodies notice,” Dr. Brown says. Over time, play deprivation can reveal itself in certain patterns of behavior. We might get cranky, rigid, feel stuck in a rut, or feel victimized by life. To benefit most from the rejuvenating benefits of play, we need to incorporate it into our everyday lives, “not just wait for that two-week vacation every year.”

Classifying Play Pursuits: Type 1 and Type 2 Fun

Classifying fun might seems silly, detracting from spontaneity. Why do we need to categorize fun? But hang with me, as I am a fan of Type 2 fun and playtime!

Type 1 fun is about pure pleasure - what the Greeks called hedonia. It’s a cloudless sky on the slopes, picturesque sunsets, a glass of wine, and tubing on the water. It’s fun to think about, fun at the time. It is satisfying in the moment.

Type 2 fun involves challenge and struggle, but in retrospect, it is awesome! The Greeks called this kind of “fun” eudaimonia. It’s those hikes in Arizona that pushed me to my limits. For others, it’s preparing for a marathon. Essentially something that takes you out of your comfort zone. It builds character. It’s often an unpleasant experience in the moment, but as time passes, the more fondly we feel about it. Type 2 Fun allows us to move past the momentary discomforts, and it brings us long-term satisfaction.

We need both Type 1 and Type 2 fun in our lives. We need to engage in activities that are intrinsically pleasurable to us, even if those feelings are fleeting. And we also need to feel the satisfaction that comes from struggling and doing something difficult.

Rediscover Play

I have a Kinesthete play personality. So that’s why I enjoy practicing yoga and working out at 6 am with my buddies at CrossFit 601. And the creator in me likes to engage in hobbies like making mosaics.

Here are 8 ways adults can play more!

1. Decide what fun means to you. List the activities you enjoyed as a child and brainstorm an adult version. For example, if you liked climbing trees as a kid, perhaps rock climbing is something you’d like to do as an adult.

2. Be intentional about setting aside time for play. The goal of having more fun is just as important as goals like losing weight, starting a small business, or earning extra income. Plan for one day a week when you are going to have 2 hours of fun!

3. Create a play drawer at work. And use it during times when you need a work break and feel the need for some fun. Think Legos, Play-Doh, coloring, and puzzles.

4. Combine fun with other activities. Gamify exercise - like playing HORSE with your kids. Try a new exercise that you consider atypical but fun. Pole dancing, anyone?

5. Help organize a group (aka committee) at work that plans fun events and activities.

6. Make playtime an opportunity to connect with your significant other.

7. Not very creative? Befriend a fun person and follow her lead!

8. Hang out with kids. They know how to play and will be happy to have you join.

Looking for Some Play Time on the Mat or Feel Good Music Vibes?

Check out these yoga flows on the Yoga Apothecary YouTube channel - Wellbeing A to Z Series:

• E is for Explore 

• P is for Play

And listen to music curated with play in mind:  Seena's Playfulness Playlist

How we play is related, in myriad ways, to our core sense of self. Play is an exercise in self-definition; it reveals what we choose to do, not what we have to do. We not only play because we are. We play the way we are. And the ways we could be. Play is our free connection to pure possibility.
- Estroff Marano

Community Connection

Comment and share. What is your play personality? What is one childhood play memory you want to reintroduce into your life? What’s something that you do just for the sheer enjoyment of it? What are some examples of Type 1 and Type 2 fun for you?

Cheers-

Seena

Resources and References:

The National Institute for Play. https://www.nifplay.org/

Proyer R.  The well-being of playful adults: Adult playfulness, subjective well-being, physical well-being, and the pursuit of enjoyable activities. Euro J Humour Res 2013; 1: 84-98.

Proyer R & Ruch W.  The virtuousness of adult playfulness: the relation of playfulness with strengths of character. Psychology Well-Being Theo Res Prac 2011; 1: Article 1.

Proyer R.  A new structural model for the study of adult playfulness: Assessment and exploration of an understudied individual differences variable. Personality Individual Diff 2017; 108: 113-122.

Alfano K. 10 Ways Adults Can Be More Playful. The Genius of Play. Accessed Aug 1, 2022.

Sinclair M.  Well Played. The Ultimate Guide to Awakening Your Family’s Playful Spirit. New York: HarperCollins Publishing, 2016.

[Editor’s Note: Occasionally, we invite a guest author to write an essay about something they are passionate about related to our well-being. Brent is a colleague and friend who is crafting his own path. After being an educator and clinical pharmacy cardiology specialist for 10 years, Brent recently shifted his career by pursuing a Ph.D. in organizational science. But you don’t have to return to school or pursue a Ph.D. to craft your job!]

by Brent N. Reed

Work is a common source of stress in our lives. Many techniques for managing stress focus on its consequences, such as using a regular meditation practice to focus our minds and become more aware of thoughts. But stress can also be managed at the source by changing our interactions with work—a strategy known as job crafting.

What is job crafting?

Job crafting is proactively making changes to our experience of work, and there are two lines of thinking on how to do it. The first emerged from research by Amy Wrzesniewski and Jane Dutton, which suggests that job crafting can be accomplished in three ways: task crafting, relationship crafting, and cognitive crafting. Task crafting involves changes to our work activities, such as finding a more efficient way to do things. Relationship crafting involves changing how we interact with others, such as finding a new person (or people) to partner with on a project at work. Finally, cognitive crafting is reframing our views of work. Perhaps the best example of cognitive crafting comes from one of Wrzesniewski and Dutton’s studies, in which hospital cleaning staff found more meaning in their work when they viewed themselves as healers alongside doctors and nurses.

A more recent approach to job crafting suggests that we can craft our job by making changes to the demands of the job and the resources available. Job demands are those aspects of work that require our effort. Job demands include both challenges and hindrances. Challenge demands, such as workload, can be overcome with effort and can promote personal growth when we encounter them in the right amounts. Hindrance demands are difficult—and sometimes impossible—to overcome, and they impede our growth. Examples of hindrance demands include organizational politics and interpersonal conflict. Job resources are those aspects of work that help us manage demands, such as support from a supervisor or coworker, or characteristics of the work itself, such as having the autonomy to make decisions about how we accomplish the work. Under this model, we can craft our jobs by optimizing challenges (i.e., not too low, not too high), decreasing hindrances, and seeking resources

What does the science say about job crafting?

Job crafting can improve our experience of work in two key ways. First, job crafting can reduce burnout and some of the other harms resulting from chronic work stress. Second and perhaps more importantly, job crafting can promote positive experiences at work, such as increased meaning, fulfillment, and overall well-being. An outcome of interest in many job crafting studies is engagement—a positive, work-related state of mind. Studies show that job crafting can increase our engagement at work, especially when we take on new challenges or successfully obtain resources to help us tackle work demands.

How can you craft your job?

Regardless of the approach to job crafting that appeals to you, the overall process of putting it into action is the same:

1. Reflect on your job and brainstorm where there may be opportunities for job crafting. What tasks or relationships might be amenable to crafting? What are some barriers holding you back at work, and how might they be removed? If they cannot be removed, could you benefit from some additional support to help you manage them?

2. After brainstorming some possible ways to craft your job, the next step is to try them out! Studies show that it may only take a few weeks to start experiencing the benefits of job crafting.

3. The final step is to evaluate whether the changes were beneficial. Do they provide a greater sense of meaning or fulfillment? Do you feel less burned out and more engaged at work?

Here’s an example of these steps in action. One of the most fulfilling parts of my job in higher education was research. But it was also one of the most challenging because of all the work involved. Many of my peers felt the same way. After reflecting on those experiences, we brainstormed a way to work together on research projects as a team. We tried the new process and were amazed to discover that we could finish more projects in the same amount of time, and we experienced a greater sense of camaraderie working together. Needless to say, we made the new process a permanent part of our jobs moving forward!

A few final thoughts

Since every job is different, some forms of job crafting may work better for you than others. If you try out a few changes and don’t find that they make your work more meaningful or fulfilling, don’t lose hope—one of the benefits of trying things for a few weeks is that it provides an opportunity to experiment and learn. By simply engaging in the process of job crafting, you may also identify some alternatives that could be used to craft a future job.

Which approach to job crafting appeals most to you? What are some examples of ways in which you’ve crafted your current job to capitalize on your strengths? Share your thoughts on job crafting by posting a comment below.

Cheers-

  -Brent

Additional Resources:

• Hidden Brain Podcast: You 2.0: Dream Jobs [Shankar Vedantam interview Amy Wresniewski about job crafting]

• Dutton JE & Wrzesniewski. What job crafting looks like. Harvard Business Review, March 12, 2020.

I recently deleted my email client (Outlook) from my phone. Not my work email account, the entire app! I deleted Twitter too. I deleted Facebook and Instagram a long time ago. I have a computer at work and in my home office to check email. I don’t need it on my phone. I really don’t need more distractions in my life. So I’m trimming back on the apps on my phone and going on a digital diet. I’m working on some permanent changes in my digital (dietary) habits.

A digital diet is a metaphor that I think is particularly apt for our times.  Our diet is a quantitative and qualitative description of the food we consume.  Not only what we consume but how much and how often.  As a clinician who’s worked with a lot of people living with diabetes, I get a 24-hour diet history to better understand someone’s eating habits.  What they ate, and how much. When they ate.  What was happening before they ate. Was it prompted by boredom or something emotionally stressful?  Did they feel hungry?  Many people can recall these kinds of details when prompted to reflect on the previous 24 hours.  But not everyone.  Some really aren’t very attuned to their eating habits. Some minimize how much and how frequently they eat due to shame. For some, this is a very helpful exercise – helping to uncover some of the barriers to achieving a healthier life.

There are lots of parallels here.  We now consume digital products, in a wide variety of forms, every day.  Indeed, they’re perceived as “essential” to our lives.  Perhaps not as essential as food or shelter, but most of us wouldn’t function very long without our digital devices. They interface and control so many facets of our lives, it’s hard to imagine life without them.

Consuming digital content and using digital devices isn’t inherently good or bad. Indeed, there are so many ways they can enrich our lives and make things more efficient, convenient, and engaging.  But like food, indiscriminate and mindless consumption of poor quality, highly processed, and empty calorie digital content isn’t adding value to our lives.  When it’s not making you healthy, wealthy, or wise, it’s time to consider a digital diet.

There are lots of ways we use our devices in unhealthy ways. Sometimes we use our digital devices to ward off boredom.  Sometimes we use them to avoid negative emotions.  Sometimes we gorge ourselves on digital “stuff”, like eating a big Costco-sized bag of a salty/sweet snack, that leaves us feeling queasy. And like a 24-hour diet history, it can be an eye-opening exercise to analyze our digital habits. Many people simply have no awareness and couldn’t accurately recall all of the digital content they’d consumed in the past 24 hours.  And others can’t admit to themselves or others, perhaps due to shame, how unhealthy their habits have become.

Distraction Generators

...the engagement never ends. Not long ago, surfing the web, however addictive, was a stationary activity. At your desk at work, or at home on your laptop, you disappeared down a rabbit hole of links and resurfaced minutes (or hours) later to reencounter the world. But the smartphone then went and made the rabbit hole portable, inviting us to get lost in it anywhere, at any time, whatever else we might be doing. Information soon penetrated every waking moment of our lives.
 
  -Andrew Sullivan, in I Used to Be A Human Being (The New Yorker, Sept 19, 2016)

I’ll admit that I’ve been lost in a digital vortex from time to time.  I’ll start by watching a Youtube video on how to unclog a drain and then, an hour later, I’m watching a video about how to set up Kanban boards in Asana.  What can I say, I’m prone to watching productivity videos and those clever folks at Google know it! One of my colleagues at work quips that computers are $1500 distraction generators.

Hopefully, this isn’t news to you but “free” services available on the Internet make their money on advertising. Thus, capturing and maintaining our attention is critical to their business model.  And that’s the Faustian deal we’ve made with Google, Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest, YouTube, Facebook ... you name it. They provide us with a service and we give them our attention (and our data). These systems are designed to keep our attention as long as possible. We all have a negativity bias - it's hardwired into us. So what enrages, dismays, or provokes fear, will keep our attention. We might intellectually understand that our emotions are being manipulated but, nonetheless, we can’t easily turn away from something that outrages or frightens us.

Psychological and Physiological Consequences

The tycoons of social media have to stop pretending that they’re friendly nerd gods building a better world and admit they’re just tobacco farmers in T-shirts selling an addictive product to children. Because, let’s face it, checking your “likes” is the new smoking.
 
-Cal Newport, in Digital Minimalism

Social media capitalizes on our need for connection. And yet, ironically, the apps are putting more distance between us and the connections we seek. It quickly becomes a vicious cycle. We feel stressed. We feel disconnected. So we turn to Facebook or Reddit to escape and to be a part of something.  But instead, it elicits social comparison, envy, outrage, and loneliness.

Our smartphones all too often pull us away from reality –— what’s tangible and right in front of us. In his book Stolen Focus: Why We Are Distracted and How to Think Deeply Again, Johann Hari recounts a visit to Graceland, Elvis Presley’s opulent home in Memphis, Tennessee. For more than a decade his nephew had longed to see it. It was a dream trip. There were no tour guides at Graceland - everyone was given an iPad. As the visitors walked from room to room, pictures of each room appeared on the screen. When they got to the infamous “jungle room” (Elvis’ favorite), a couple, each with an iPad in hand, looked in amazement at the jungle room on their screens, swiping between images. Not once did they look up to actually look at the room. Off in the corner, his nephew was fully absorbed Snapchatting (is that a word?) with friends. No one was present, experiencing the moment. Perhaps you’ve witnessed similar scenes in your life — friends, family, students, colleagues so absorbed with their smartphones they aren’t present.

Our digital devices are keeping us up at night. Not only does the light emitted from the screen fool our brains, but the stimulation from the content keeps those neurons firing. Our thoughts are still swirling away when we eventually turn the device off. Today, the average American sleeps 20% less (almost 2 hours less) than people did in the early 1900s. In addition to fatigue and a host of chronic illnesses, sleep deprivation further hinders our ability to focus.

Addressing the Problem

We’ll need to address this problem at the individual and system levels. Smartphones have only been with us for about 15 years; so it’s little wonder that we are only now learning about their true benefits and harms. There is now widespread recognition of the psychological harms that digital devices and social media apps cause, particularly adolescents.(Valkenburg 2002) Our devices make us always “on” and available to the demands from work, contributing to significant increases in stress and anxiety among working adults, particularly knowledge workers.(Mahalingham 2022) We’ll need to advocate for systemic solutions to address these widespread problems. This will require a cultural shift and perhaps even legislation to ban certain practices. For now, it’s up to individuals to take some measure of control over their digital devices.

Simply put, humans are not wired to be constantly wired.
 
- Cal Newport, in Digital Minimalism

Since deleting email from my phone, I've felt less anxious about work piling up. And I’ve been reading more books - which is great. And I’m looking for other ways to be more intentional about the apps I have on my smartphone and my device usage. If you feel you would benefit from a digital diet, consider trying some of these strategies:

• Turn Off Notifications. This is an easy first step and can dramatically reduce the number of interruptions during the day. Do you really need to be alerted every time someone posts something on your feed? Or sends you an email? Or pings you? Or instantly alerted that something went on sale at Lululemon? Turn off notifications on your phone, tablet, and computer. Or, at the very least, block all of them when you are trying to do some focused work.

• Delete and Unsubscribe. Intentionally delete apps from your phone that you don’t really need on your phone. You can access email on your computer. Sure, it's convenient to have email on your phone, but do you really need it? Facebook? Instagram? Pinterest? Twitter? TikTok? Unsubscribe to services that don’t add real value to your life. Or only access them using your computer.

• Monitor, Track, and Block.  Becoming more self-aware of your device usage can be powerful.  There are a variety of tools available to help, and they also can be used to block certain apps during specific times of the day.  Apps like QualityTime, StayFocused, Space, and OffScreen.

• Charge Your Devices In Your Office, Not Your Bedroom. If you want to reduce the temptation to use your phone or tablet in bed, don’t make them readily available in your environment. Have a charging stand or table in another room (e.g., home office, guest bedroom) on the other side of your home. Create a ritual of putting your devices “away” when it's time for bed.

• Lock the Phone Up. The K-Safe or Kitchen Safe is selling like crazy on Amazon. These devices were originally designed to “lock up” foods, like cookies, to prevent people from snacking at night. The lock is set for a specified period of time (e.g., 10 hours) and can’t be unlocked. The only thing you can do is smash the container - which would take some significant effort and would be costly. This is a helpful commitment device. While it doesn’t totally eliminate the temptation, it helps you keep your commitment to not use the phone.

• Leave the Phone at Home. Going for an afternoon outing, a day trip, a weekend getaway ... or perhaps a 10-day vacation? Consider leaving the phone and other devices behind. This is going to be a hard one because you’ll probably feel unsafe without your phone. But if there is a real emergency, there will be plenty of people who will let you borrow a phone!

• A 30-day Digital Detox. This is dramatic, but it can be very effective. Cal Newport in his book Digital Minimalism: Choosing a Life of Focus in a Noisy World recommends taking a 30-day break from your digital devices and apps (to detoxify your brain). Then slowly reintroduce your device(s) and very selectively download apps that truly support something that you value and can’t be achieved in some other way. As you reintroduce them into your life, carefully consider how you use your device(s) and apps in ways that maximize their value while minimizing their potential harms to your attention.

We all need to learn how to recapture our focus so that we can connect with the people we care about, get the work done we value, and experience awe and gratitude. These are the essential building blocks of wellbeing, a life well-lived.

What have you done to limit mindlessly consumption of digital junk food?  Are there nutritious apps that add value to your life?  Our devices and apps are tools.  It's up to us to use them wisely and advocate for policies in the public interest. Leave a comment. Share your successes and failures.

Cheers-

Stuart

References

Valkenburg PM, Meier A, Beyens I. Social media us and its impact on adolescent mental health: An umbrella review of the evidence. Curr Opin Psychology 2022; 44: 58-68.

Mahalingham T, Howell J, Clark PJF. Attention control moderates the relationship between social media use and psychological distress. J Affective Dis 2022; 297: 536-41.

When our dog, Jed Walker, was just a pup I would find him waiting to greet me when I returned from work. Every day he’d be perched on our ottoman looking expectantly toward the entrance. As soon as I walked in the door and placed my work items aside, he would leap in a happy dance towards me. Having been a dog owner for decades, I can personally attest to how dogs are truly amazing and serve as great role models. They cheer us up in difficult moments, wake up with excitement to greet each day, and are happy just to be near us. Psychologist John Moore believes our pets tell us what happiness is all about if we carefully observe them. "Dogs are created for happiness. There is something in them that makes them wag their tail, try to lick us in the nose, look into our eyes and say ‘I love you’ in so many ways – no matter what happens in the world."

According to the Human-Animal Bond Research Institute, there's a phenomenon known as the pet effect. It's an umbrella term for the symbiotic — that is, mutually beneficial — relationship that develops between animals and the humans who care for them. While there's certainly plenty of anecdotal reports (including my own!) about the benefits of pet ownership, there is a growing body of research to substantiate the claims. Many of these formal studies have focused on the therapeutic value of pets for people with mental illness and autism.

Here are some of the fundamental happiness boosting behaviors that your pet can teach you:

Practicing Gratitude

Dogs wake up every day grateful to be alive and their mood is contagious. Every time you feed your dog, they react as though it's the first time they've ever seen food. Every time you grab the leash to take them out for a walk, they zoom back and forth in a flurry of excitement. Dogs do not think about what the weather is outside. From the dog’s point of view, gratitude is a sufficient reason for happiness.

And every time you walk in the door, they are bursting with joy. Dogs remind us that even though something may be routine, our happiness gets an immediate boost when we take the time to appreciate the everyday, mundane things that are part of our lives. Gratitude is a huge oxytocin booster with an enormous host of benefits including reducing stress, increasing positivity, and improving task productivity. Practicing gratitude regularly has been shown to make us more empathetic and pro-social. Similarly, when we are on the receiving end of gratitude we are inspired to engage in acts of kindness and organizational citizenship. Be sure to read Gratitude is Therapeutic Superpower.

Engaging in Movement and Play

Dogs are great at listening to their bodies and prioritizing their basic need for movement. We humans often find this more difficult to put into practice. Having a routine where you regularly get up from your desk, stretch your legs, and change your scenery is important for both physical and mental health. Movement helps us to see things from a new perspective and stimulates creativity. This can be helpful if we need to make a decision, process recent events, or when you find ourselves stuck in a creative rut. Dogs (and cats) love to play – fetching balls, tug of war, or batting around a toy. Although humans enjoy more complex play activities, there are literally hundreds of ways to add to play to your day (or, at the least, weekly) routine. Play can include participating in sports, biking, running, surfing, or just messing around with your kids or grandkids. I always say you are one workout away from being in a better mood!

Taking a Break

Dogs take time off whenever they need it. We humans feel more inclined to power through and risk burnout. We are our own worst enemy when it comes to sleep. Our worrisome thoughts tend to release stress chemicals that keep us awake. The truth is, we need to feel a sense of safety in order to truly rest. We provide that security for our pets. Rest activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps the biologically balanced state of homeostasis and strengthens our immune system as the body goes into maintenance mode repairing and upgrading. Rest also has cognitive benefits. People who nap after learning new things are more likely to retain the new information in their memory. During periods of turbulence, change, and adaptation, it’s extra important to prioritize rest to help us adjust to our circumstances. If you are interested in learning more about the benefits of quality sleep, read Sleep: An Overlooked Ingredient for Wellbeing

Because dogs live in the present. Because dogs don’t hold grudges. Because dogs let go of all their anger daily, hourly, and never let it fester. They absolve and forgive with each passing minute. Every turn of a corner is the opportunity for a clean slate. Every bounce of a ball brings joy and the promise of a fresh chase.
  - Steven Rowley

Living in the Present Moment and Being Curious

As far as we know, dogs (and cats) don’t think about yesterday or about tomorrow. They listen to their needs in the moment. Whether it is to play ball, sleep or eat, they pay attention to what’s happening at the moment. You and I have lots to learn about living this way. Too often we are lost in thought - harboring unhealthy emotions about our past experiences or worrying about an uncertain future.

Dogs are constantly exploring the world around them and will never miss the chance to sniff every post, every bush, and every new friend ... even if they have visited this place or seen this friend a thousand times before. They tirelessly look for something new — a stick, a puddle, a leaf floating off the ground. Read Our Symphony of Senses.

Caring and Forgiving

When you are crying or feeling upset, who comes to you? Your dog (and sometimes your cat). Owning a dog is a great way to remind yourself (or your kids) that one of life’s basic needs is to be kind and take care of others. These small things are the ones that enrich our lives. Remember, everyone around you is going through something - we just need to pay attention to the clues. And be sure to be kind to yourself when you make mistakes or things don't turn out as you intended. Your dog doesn’t berate herself or worry about how others might judge him. While dogs are sensitive to human emotions, they don’t care what you or other people think (e.g. your cognitive thought or judgments).

In just a few moments your dog is already back to being happy after you’ve disciplined him/her. What about you? Do you hold hard feelings for a long time after someone hurts you? You have two options. Hold grudges or forgive. Considering the fact that holding a hard feeling can weigh you down emotionally and be bad for your health. It’s a lot more pleasurable to just keep moving forward through learning how to forgive the offender. Read Forgiveness - Release Your Prisoner.

Making Friends

With the exception of guard dogs who have been bred to be suspicious, most dogs make a basic assumption that people and other dogs are great! What would the world be like if we assumed the best, that everyone wishes us well and were conspiring to make our lives better? Our pets also help us to make human-to-human connections. We often strike up conversations with strangers with their pets at dog parks, community events, nursing homes, and walks around the neighborhood.

Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring — it was peace.
   - Milan Kundera

The best of us comes out when we are with our canine friends! Consider looking at the world through the eyes of our furry friends — get more movement, pay more attention to your environment, engage your senses (mindfulness), and invite friends to join. Try doing something for someone else without expecting anything in return. Consider journaling about your tail-wagging experiences in a gratitude practice!

If you would like to a yoga flow featuring Jed Walker and other furry friends, check out the Wellbeing Series from A to Z: P is for Play

How does your K9 companion boost your happiness? Share with us in the Wellbeing Elixir Community.

Cheers-

  Seena 

References

McConnell A R, Brown CM, Shoda TM, Stayton LE, and Martin CE. Friends with benefits: On the positive consequences of pet ownership. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 2011; 101(6) 1239–1252.

Curl AL, Bibbo J, Johnson RA. Dog Walking, the Human–Animal Bond and Older Adults’ Physical Health. The Gerontologist 2017; 57 (5): 930–939.

Mubanga M, Byberg L, Nowak C, et al. Dog ownership and the risk of cardiovascular disease and death – a nationwide cohort study. Scientific Reports 2017; 7: Article number: 15821

Thanksgiving is approaching and it made me think about how work has encroached into nearly every domain of our lives and the importance of breaks, holidays, and sabbaths.

Our lives have several "domains." I think of these as the buckets or areas of our lives that add meaning and satisfaction. These buckets generally include intimacy/marriage, family, friendship, community, spirituality, health, material wellbeing, and work. If you are like me, the work bucket takes up a lot of my time and attention. Don't get me wrong, I love my work but I often feel that the other buckets in my life aren't getting enough. I'm certain many of you feel the same.

I've never liked the term "work-life" balance. To me, it's a misnomer because it seems to suggest that the amount of time or energy (or both) that we put into work should be in "balance" with our "life". Of course, work is part of, not something separated from, our life.  For many people, it's a critical part of their identity. Plus our lives are never "balanced" in the sense that everything is given equal weight. In reality, the amount of time and attention we devote to the various domains in our lives fluctuates from week to week. And over the course of time, there are seasons to life during which we rightfully focus on different priorities. Nonetheless, whether you call it work-life balance, or work-life integration, or simply life integration, I sometimes feel like work has become a tumor that's metastasizing and taking away the life force from everything else.

I was born in the 1960s. Like today, years ago people worked hard. Many professionals worked 50 and 60 workweeks. And people had families. Many families had 3 or 4 or even 5 kids. And most people attended "church" (in 1965, nearly 80% of Americans belonged to a church, synagogue, or mosque and regularly attended). And they were very engaged in civic organizations and clubs! And people had dinner parties and went to the theatre. How on earth did they have time for all of it?

The data suggests that most of us feel far more stressed-out, anxious, and busier than people did 50 years ago. Or even 20 years ago! What's changed? I believe there are three major culprits.

Mobile Devices - Smart Phones. Let's face it, we're tethered to our work (and all of the other demands in our life) every waking hour. Our work has become "woven" into every domain of our lives. And many of us (not just our students) are obsessively checking our phones (or laptops or tablet devices) for emails, text messages, and our social media feeds. A recent study found that, on average, we check our phones every 17 minutes and spend 3 hours and 53 minutes per day engaging with our mobile devices. That's 26 hours a week. On average. I'm sure you've experienced students in class or colleagues during a meeting or perhaps even members of your family at the dinner table checking their smartphone, not once, but multiple times. So, while smartphones are incredibly helpful and convenient, our indiscriminate use of mobile devices is coming at a very high cost.

Email (and other ways of asynchronously "pushing" communications). Up until about 1995, the only way you could "assign" work or make a request of someone was to meet them face-to-face, call them on the telephone, or (I suppose) send them a letter. This created certain limitations because the request could only be made AT WORK and it gave the recipient of the request an opportunity to negotiate. Today, emails show up on our smartphones (which we have in our possession at all times) and they can be sent at any time (day or night). And from anyone. At a very low cost to the sender. This includes lots of people, companies, and entities we don't even know. I regularly receive requests to submit papers to the Journal of Practical Ethnography (and I have only vague notions about what ethnography is). And I've been asked to give the keynote address at the International Conference for Distinguished Scientists and Massage Therapists. [Ok - I made those up ... but many of the requests I've received seem equally absurd] My point is, we are awash in a sea of email messages which creates anxiety as we try (our best) to attend and answer them. Even if you delete tons of messages and diligently add the sender to your spam list, it still takes precious time and attention away from the work that really matters. And while email may SEEM like an efficient way to communicate, in reality, it's a lousy way to have a conversation (e.g. a back and forth dialog) for lots of reasons, but primarily because it's spread out over time. Bottom line - we need to rethink how we use email.

Time expectations. Our expectations in terms of response times have shrunk so much it now causes us stress and anxiety when we have to exercise even just a little bit of patience. If our computer doesn't load the program or our slides within a nano-second, we get frustrated. We've given up on calling people because they probably won't pick up the call (perhaps because they are busy doing something else important) ... so we send them a text message so that we can get a response as soon as possible. Most people don't read books anymore because it takes too long. We favor 10-minute videos and podcasts. When we want to buy something, we either order it online (and expect delivery in < 3 days) or we run out to the store (that is now open very late, 7-days a week). We can't wait for "Black Friday" sales - so most of the big box stores are open on Thanksgiving now. We can't wait for the check in the mail, so we Venmo. Unfortunately, these shorter and shorter time expectations have created a culture that requires all of us to be "always on and always available" so we can meet other people's demands.

I bring all of this up because I believe we have some serious systemic and cultural problems that we need to figure out.  Yes, each of us has a responsibility to engage in self-care practices and attend to our own well-being. We need to take care of our bodies, attend to our thoughts and emotions, and cultivate positive social bonds. But having a counseling center and offering free yoga at work isn't going to solve the root causes of the current state of affairs. Don't get me wrong, yoga is great (you should try it!) but most wellness initiatives place the responsibility solely at the feet of the individual. We need to address the underlying issues.

Which leads me back to breaks, holidays, and sabbaths. Sixty years ago breaks from work were more commonplace and a cultural expectation. During a workday, we need a few breaks to reset. But most of us move from one meeting, one class, one obligation to the next without any breathing room. People used to take a break for lunch to eat with colleagues. Before the pandemic, it was one of my favorite times of the day - lunch, sitting with colleagues, and talking about whatever was on our minds. Now I just eat a "sad lunch" at my desk. In Sweden, it's a cultural tradition to take fika every day - to gather with colleagues for a scheduled pause to enjoy some coffee and cake and conversation. Taking collective breaks together, whether that is to enjoy some food or go for a short walk, helps establish cultural expectations and builds social bonds. We need more breaks.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it's all about giving thanks and spending time with family and friends. There is no expectation to buy people gifts. Plus, I enjoy cooking. Up until about 20 years ago, nothing was open (other than perhaps urgent care centers, hospitals, and police departments) on Thanksgiving. And nothing was open on Christmas. Or New Year. And I'm not sure when we started to treat Memorial Day, the 4th of July, or Labor Day like regular workdays - but many of us do now. Holidays used to be times we all would take off from work and collectively direct our attention toward something important, other than economic output, that we hold dear.

And most people used to rest a FULL day every week. It was a socially imposed norm to take a full day off since businesses were not permitted to be open. In many religious traditions, the sabbath is set aside for communal worship but it is also intended to give our bodies and minds a rest. On the sabbath, whether it's observed for religious or secular reasons, we are free from expectations and obligations. It is a time set aside to simply receive the gifts that have been bestowed on us. While many of us still engage in religious practices each week, I'm wondering if most truly take the day off, the entire day, to rest. To engage in hobbies. Or to spend time socializing. Or take a nice long walk.

So that's the challenge. How do we create space for all the life domains we think are important? This can't be an individual effort. We need to create and enforce new cultural norms and expectations. I certainly don't have the answers - but I hope we'll start to talk about these issues. Perhaps over lunch.

Reflection

What are some ways that you've intentionally built more breaks into your life - setting aside time to just relax, disconnect, and simply enjoy without trying to accomplish anything "productive"?

Taking a break in Sedona-

  Stuart

Interested in learning more? Check these out:

1. Podcast: The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos. How to Be Happier at Work (with Dan Harris). Season 3. Published November 8, 2021. [And consider subscribing to the Happiness Lab podcast!]

2. Book: Newport C. A World Without Email: Reimagining Work in an Age of Communication Overload. New York: Portfolio Books, 2021.

3. Book: Burkeman O. Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2021.

Doing an act of kindness produces the single most reliable momentary increase in well-being of any exercise that has been tested. Find one wholly unexpected kind thing to do tomorrow and just do it. Notice what happens to your mood.

– Dr. Martin Seligman

Most of us spend so much time and energy focusing on the negatives in our lives that when a moment of kindness appears, it’s as if a fog has been lifted. It makes us feel good and we can't help but smile. Imagine a world where you succeed by being nice, where we all pay it forward, where people look out for each other, and where kindness is the central philosophy.

The word kindness is believed to have originated from the old English word ‘kyndes’ which means 'nation' and 'produce an increase' and the Middle English word ‘kinde’ which means 'friendly' and 'deliberately doing good for others.' The Roman Emperor and Stoic, Marcus Aurelius, believed the ability to show kindness and compassion toward others, particularly when they have done something that upsets or angers you, was one of the truest signs of inner strength. Kindness, or doing good, means putting other people’s needs before our own. It could be by giving up our seat to someone who might need it more or offering to make a cup of tea for someone at work, holding the door open for a stranger, or paying for someone's meal in the drive-through line.  A good deed doesn’t need to take a huge amount of time or money.

Kindness generates good feelings, which in turn generate positive biological changes. It reduces stress, lowers blood pressure, improves immune system functioning, and fosters a sense of connectedness. Helping others is thought to be one of the ways that people create, maintain, and strengthen their social connections. In a 2006 study, Jorge Moll and colleagues at the National Institutes of Health found that when people give to charities, it activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure and trust, creating a “warm glow." Scientists also believe that altruistic behavior releases endorphins in the brain, producing a positive feeling known as the “helper’s high.”

And acts of kindness can create kindness spirals. Research has shown that individuals who received an act of kindness experience higher levels of happiness (when compared to controls), and that they are nearly three times more likely to engage in prosocial acts toward others. The wonderful thing about kindness is that it has a ‘ripple effect’ – the recipient of a kind act is likely to ‘pass it on.’ Acts of kindness benefit more than just the giver and the receiver. It can influence everyone they come in contact with.

Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist, writes in his article for Psychology Today how wishing other well and doing helpful acts for others is connected to our capacity to be kind to ourselves. Thus, not only is kindness cyclical but to have the capacity for kindness you must also be kind to yourself. Treating oneself with kindness is to respect yourself and to be self-compassionate. Engaging in self-care practices — getting rest, engaging in some exercise, celebrating your accomplishments, forgiving yourself for your mistakes — prepares you to be kind and compassionate to others.

You can increase your capacity for kindness by regularly practicing loving-kindness and self-compassion meditations. The practice involves picturing people who have been kind to you in your life and repeating silently to yourself phrases like, “May they be safe. May they be happy. May they be free from suffering. May they have the ease of well-being.” In these meditations, you often begin by extending loving-kindness to yourself. And then to your loved ones. You continue to expand your circle of loving-kindness to your friends, then your neighbor and co-workers, and eventually to everyone everywhere. It can be helpful to include people in your meditation that you've had difficulties interacting with or perhaps find hard to like. The goal is to increase your awareness that all people, including you, deserve to feel safe, to be happy, to be free of suffering, and live with ease. Take 10 minutes to experience the Loving-Kindness and Self-Compassion meditations posted on the Wellbeing Elixir website.

Inspirations to Spark Kindness

Looking for some inspiration on how to bring more kindness into the world? Consider these ideas!

• Personal Relationships: Take a few moments to reach out to someone. Send a message to someone (call, text, write) who has meant a lot to you. Maybe send a picture or video. Send flowers to a friend or a card to a mentor.

• Workplace Relationships: Offer support to a colleague who's struggling. Speak to a co-worker that you don’t normally engage with. Praise a colleague for something they have done well. Offer a sincere thank you to a colleague who has helped you.

• Kindness Apps: There are lots of "kindness apps" available for your smartphone. These apps provide lists of 100's of small acts of kindness that you can perform each day. The Great Kindness Challenge offers two apps geared towards kids — one is for schools and the other is for families. These apps challenge kids (and their parents!) to complete a set of tasks, like smiling at 25 people or taking a board game to a senior center to play.

• Charitable Donations: Think about how you can support a non-profit organization that's doing good work to make the world a better place. Consider donating your time or money — but remember that donations of time result in more positive, feel-good emotions and increase social bonds.

• Self-Kindness: Create a personal oasis by setting aside some time in your week to reset and reboot. And that means taking a break from social media use! Do something you enjoy — dancing, singing, cooking, crafting. Spend time in nature. Keep a gratitude journal and consider how your can express your gratitude through an act of kindness. Barbara Fredrickson, a pioneering happiness researcher and author of Positivity, suggests that cultivating gratitude in everyday life is one of the keys to increasing personal happiness. “When you express your gratitude in words or actions, you not only boost your own positivity but [other people’s] as well”.

Become a RAKtivist!

A RAKtivist? Yes - become someone who's a random acts of kindness (RAK) ambassador! Someone who spreads kindness by doing something, every day, to make the world a little more pleasant. You can apply to become an official RAKtivisit through the Random Acts of Kindness Foundation.

And be sure to observe International Kindness Day is February 17, 2024 and Random Acts of Kindness Week is Feb 14-19th in 2024! Make a difference by paying forward a random act of kindness to yourself and to others. If you want to share an act of kindness you received consider using the hashtags #MakeKindnessTheNorm and #ExploreTheGood when using social media.

Kindness simply is a positive action that leaves someone in a better situation than before. It doesn’t have to be anything extravagant or require spending hours volunteering. Kindness starts with one small act. Do something you enjoy, keep others in mind, don’t overdo it.

Let’s make kindness the norm!

Reflection - Spread Kindness

Spread kindness like confetti! What ideas do you have to SPREAD HAPPINESS? Tell us about a random act of kindness you've received or given ... and tell us what happened afterward!  Post a comment.

Resources and Readings:

1. The Random Acts of Kindness Foundation strives to make kindness the norm by offering free online resources to families, communities, schools, and workplaces.

2. Suttie J and Marsh J. Five Ways Giving Is Good for You. Greater Good Magazine: Science-based Insights for Meaningful Living. December 2010.

3. Hall D. The Importance of Kindness. Psychology Today. December 2017.

4. Proctor M. 6 Science-back Ways that Kindness is Good for Your Health. Quiet Revolution. Accessed October 30, 2021.

Cheers-

Seena